So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
