It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
