She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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