It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize