So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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