Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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