I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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