In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
