Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
PANTIES FOUND
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
