4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
How external is "for external use only"?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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