I cannot find my penis.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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