Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
