He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
