You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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