love makes seman taste better
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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