Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
