So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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