i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
