are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
