I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize