I want to walk on stilts...naked
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
