Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
