Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
