There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
