Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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