You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
