Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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