I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
