u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
