When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
