Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she told me i tasted like america
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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