And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
