According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
