Plan B is the new Plan A
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
