Don't worry. I has chaperone.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
