Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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