I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i believe in u and ur pee
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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