I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
