For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
