I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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