The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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