i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
