btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
