you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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