So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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