I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
