apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
