i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
