I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
