So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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