I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
