i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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