I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
