she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
