First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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