you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
