all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
