College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
