Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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