If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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