FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
