you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
