I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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